Stephen Craig and I have designed a space-themed nine-hole miniature-golf course that we are soliciting bids for. Our course is going to be named Lee & Stephen’s Dancing with the Pars Miniature-Golf Experience. Our original 18-hole course design was simply too extravagant and would have required too much money. And we discovered that our planned site, the former Red Wing Pottery Mall, has only enough available space for nine holes. So we will start with nine holes and add another nearby nine holes if the business is as profitable as our projections indicate.
Here is the the proposed design:
Hole #1: “Jump to Really, Really Fast Speed” — par 4, dogleg left with metal (or hard plastic) replicas of asteroids taking up 95% of the fairway; on the right edge of the fairway is a ramp that leads up to an elevated plateau and then a ramp that drops sharply is on the other side (sign that reads “Really, Really Fast Speed Launcher”. Balls coming off the ramp speed down fairway, strike a wood embankment that deflects the ball towards and eventually onto the green. Tee shots that don’t go onto ramp forces player to bank 2nd shot off the left-hand board to get around the asteroid belt. Their 3rd shot can be hit off the same wooden embankment that the “Really, Really Fast Speed Launcher” leads directly to but the angle won’t be perfect so their 3rd shot will likely not end up on the half-moon shaped green.
Plaque between green and tee #2 reads “Did you hear the Minnesota Twins signed Chewbacca to a minor-league contract? If he does well and makes it to the Majors, he might be Wookie of the Year.”
Hole #2: “Planet Pinball Wizard” — par 3 with small opening leading to a gauntlet of the eight planets (between 1’ and 2’ high) plus Pluto. The metal/hard plastic planets are set up to that a shot hitting the right edge of Earth will ricochet across and hit Mars, Venus, Mercury, Uranus, Neptune, Jupiter, Saturn, and Pluto before rolling up onto a perfectly circular green. Two “black hole” hazards guard the green. Shots hit into either sand trap are penalized one stroke and played as they lie.
Plaque between green and tee #3 reads “Captain, a round of miniature golf is utterly illogical…and more fun than a barrel of Vulcan monkeys.”
Hole #3: “Transcending Saturn (and its moons)” — par 4 with replica of Saturn and its moons taking up entire width of the fairway. To get past it, player must hit tee shot into one of two launching areas that have a spring-loaded launcher that looks like a tiny spaceship. Green resembles the surface of Earth’s moon.
Plaque between green and tee #4 reads “In miniature golf, you don’t want to go boldly where no miniature golfer has gone before.”
Hole #4: “Let’s Do Launch Real Soon” — par 5 that spirals upward from tee to green around a replica of a space shuttle on a launching pad. In between the rising, twisting fairways are two plateaus. If shot isn’t hit hard enough, ball comes back down to the player. If it’s hard too hard, it falls off the fairway into a net and shot must be replayed from point of contact. To get back down to the next hole, player can take either a metal slide or steps.
Plaque at the bottom, in between the stairs and slide, reads “Good luck. Hope you’re having an ‘out of this world’ experience.”
Hole #5: “Ancient Aliens” — par 3, features two pyramids, a sphinx and Stonehenge (all between 1’ and 2’ high) that stand between tee and green. A little green alien (plastic) sits in meditative position on top of each of the hazards. Player can either hit shot onto a ramp that winds around the obstacles or they can try to use banked fairway to go around them. Green is triangular with a cup that’s also a triangle. Gold lights projected up from the floor and converge at a height of ten feet to make the green resemble a small pyramid. Alternatively, canvas tent supported by metal poles form a three-dimensional pyramid with a door in the middle of the front of the green. Strobe lights add to the ancient-alien-pyramid vibe. “Walk Like An Egyptian” plays over speakers mounted on inside of the enclosed green.
Plaque between holes reads: “Holy black mysterious holes, Batman, there’s danger ahead. Batman; Don’t worry, Boy Wonder. I’m wholly prepared to navigate the perils of deep space with nary a false step. Take hold of my cape if you must but hands off the Bat Belt.”
Hole #6: “A Holy Hell of Holes to Test Your Holiness…or is that Wholesomeness?” — par 5, seventy-five yards long, double dogleg (left, then right). Players can take safer route and go around the minefield of black holes that stand in the middle of the fairway or gamble and aim for the WORMHOLE that stands in the midst of the black holes. Shots that fall into the black hole disappear into a hidden tube. Player penalized one stroke and must grab another ball from a rack that stands beside the hole. Shots that fall into the WORMHOLE go into a hidden tube that goes under the fairway almost all the way to the green. Ball pops out within a yard of the green. If player opts to go around the first set of obstacles, the second shot must go around another black-hole type hazard: a pit surrounded by a black shower curtain that encloses the pit. Inside there are funhouse mirrors, strobe lights, miniature dinosaurs, toy volcanoes and mist from dry ice. To escape the pit, player must avoid the dinosaurs and volcanoes and roll back up one of two ramps leading back onto the fairway. Speakers mounted on mirrors play either “Dark Side of the Moon” or “Break on Through to the Other Side”.
Plaque between holes: “As the Irish say, may the farce with you.”
Hole #7: “Giant-Sized BLT, Anyone?” — par 3, elevated tee with sharp drop off; undulating, banked fairway that allows player to curve around killer tomatoes sculpture and then a monster resembling the monster from “Alien” movie franchise.
Plaque between holes: “Houston, we have a problem. I can’t find my ball.”
Hole #8: “Sea What You’ve Done Now?” — par 4, waterfalls line both sides of the fairway; tiny Loch Ness-like monsters and sea turtles with flying saucers mounted on their backs float in the water, dry ice creates foggy vibe. “Swimming prohibited due to sea serpent infestation” sign on edge of water. A fountain with jellyfish and octopus figurines/sculptures guards the green on the left side.
Plaque between holes: “It was horrible. This eight-foot extraterrestrial did a cavity search. I had two cavities and one chipped tooth.”
Hole #9: “Psst, Buddy, Got a Light (Saber)?” — par 5 with space-themed video-game arcade machines — “Galaxian”, “Galaga”, “Star Wars” — scattered across the fairway. First obstacle is a painting of the Milky Way. After that: a gauntlet of lightsabers that rise and fall like tomahawks. To the right of the hole, almost to the green, a 50” flat-screen TV plays the music video by Dirty Monkey featuring the Stormtroopers.
We will soon be conducting a Kickstarter campaign. If you know someone who is looking to invest in a cutting-edge miniature-golf concept course, please refer them to our website. We hope to build a prototype of one or two holes for promotional purposes. Pictures of the prototypes will be posted on this site.